


Bacon From a Can Down Under

by facingthenorthwind (spacegandalf)



Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Gen, Masterchef
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-25
Updated: 2012-11-25
Packaged: 2017-11-19 12:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/573108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacegandalf/pseuds/facingthenorthwind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack and Eugene host Abel Township Masterchef, featuring Simon Lauchlan and his tactical bacon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bacon From a Can Down Under

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ohdappledthings](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=ohdappledthings).



> Many, many thanks to everyone in the ZR chat room: thewondersmith, thischarmingand, galacticdrift, mitanika and shaz. (Also my RL beta, Emma.) Special mention to galacticdrift, who found the tactical bacon. This story may not make much sense unless you know what tactical bacon is: http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/c399/
> 
> Also, the song mentioned throughout is "Land Down Under" by Men at Work. My knowledge of Masterchef is only the Australian version. I've been informed that the Mystery Box Challenge is only in the Australian version, but...really now.

"And the next round, folks," Jack said, speaking into Eugene's hairbrush in lieu of a microphone, "is the Mystery Box Challenge! It's aptly named, for although all the boxes around Abel seem to be spoken for, the element of mystery is very much present. Before you, contestants, are three cans. They don't have labels. We're not even sure if they're out of date, to be honest. But your mission, should you choose to accept it -- which you do, because you don't have a choice, since you volunteered for this -- is to prepare a meal that doesn't land dear Eugene here in hospital. Again. You have thirty minutes. Your time starts...now!"

Abel Township MasterChef was Jack's best idea yet. They'd set it up in the quad, with some old crates as benches and whatever kitchen supplies Francesca was willing to part with for the afternoon. Francesca was the favourite to win, being Abel's resident cook (she had tried to be called chef, but it just didn't catch on), and Jack and Eugene narrated the proceedings with enthusiasm.

"So the first task of this challenge is to open the cans," began Jack, as the activity commenced.

"Francesca refused to part with any of her can openers," added Eugene, "which seems quite unfair, but it doesn't seem as if she has one either. Runner Three has produced a key from somewhere -- good thinking, there -- and is currently attempting to open his cans that way."

"But look at Runner Four! She's got her knitting needles and seems to be trying to use them to stab a hole in her tin."

"That'll never work."

"...Eugene! Look! With an almighty stab she's...she's actually punctured the lid. Wow, Jody, didn't know you had it in you." Jacked looked slightly scared of the tiny runner, looking at her in a new light. A light in which she could probably take down a zombie with a pair of knitting needles.

"Has she sharpened those knitting needles specifically for this? The message is clear, folks, don't mess with Runner Four. Ever. She's armed with knitting needles. In fact, that's how I lost my leg," said Eugene, gesturing to the space where his left leg should have been.

"I thought you had a fight with a pirate?" said Jack, turning away from the contestants.

"That was last week."

"Oh, of course."

There was a shout from Runner Three, and the radio hosts turned back to the competition. "What's this? Francesca's got a can opener! She's snuck it out from the kitchens! This are getting exciting, folks -- we have open sabotage in the competition, and it's only the beginning of the second round." Runner Three had run around his crate and grabbed the can opener from Francesca's hand, doing a triumphant lap around the competition area with the can opener above his head.

"There is a time limit, Runner Three," Eugene said, and he returned to his station only to grab his cans and open them while doing a second lap, knowing that Francesca wouldn't be able to catch him. He grinned all the while at the cook, though Francesca was glaring at him as if she were plotting his death. She probably was, Jack thought. She seemed like that sort of a person.

Meanwhile, Jody had successfully opened her cans (successfully enough, anyway) and had come up with spaghetti-Os and tinned corn. Francesca landed tinned peaches and Spam. But in terms of ingredients, Simon was the real winner, although he didn't know it yet.

"Pickled asparagus and...I can't identify this," he said, waving a strip of something vaguely flesh-coloured at Jack and Eugene.

"I believe the label said 'tactical bacon' before we took it off," Eugene said.

"It had a gun on the label. It must be good," Jack added. Who even _had_ tactical bacon, really? And what sort of a name was tactical bacon? He had _so many_ questions.

They were off, cooking with their allotted mystery cans and fresh produce from the garden. It was clear that Simon and Jody weren't cooks -- Francesca's chopping was quick and efficient, whereas they stumbled over chopping up their fresh herbs.

The Abel garden was thankfully successful, and after a very rough few months at the beginning, food had been getting steadily better. They even had two laying hens now.

Simon's preferred method of cookery involved a lot of singing. Thankfully for all involved, he could actually hold a tune (unlike Jack's father, who used to sing as he tended the barbecue). In fact, the more he sang, the more it became apparent that he was really, really good. Too bad he was using that talent to sing about his tactical bacon.

"Bacon from a can down under! Where zombies roam and Eugene chunders," he belted cheerfully, which prompted an "Oi!" from Eugene.

"That was one time," he said. "Can't we just...forget it?"

"Forget it?" repeated Jack. "My dear, Francesca refused to cook for three days after that incident. Lost faith in her ability to not poison the whole township. You're lucky you weren't eating, then, 'cause the food was crap."

Thirty seconds later, Simon's bacon went up in flames. He said he was trying to smoke it slightly -- what happened was not 'slight' in the least. It should have been a charred, inedible mess, but when they finally got the flames under control (Simon singing cheerfully all the while), the bacon was...exactly the same. Which basically confirmed that it was not a substance meant for human consumption. The miraculous recovery of his bacon made Simon even happier, and Jack and Eugene barely bothered to keep a running commentary for the crowd as Simon sang, "Lying in a barn full of hay, with a bum mic and too much to say. I said to Janine, 'Are you trying to kill me by sending me to a New Canton ambush?' And she said..."

"Shut up, Runner Three!" Francesca said, pausing in her careful arrangement of her plate of food.

"That's not how the chorus goes and you know it," Simon said, sighing in disappointment. "Really, Francesca, you should do better."

"Aaaand that's time up, folks," Jack said, ready to jump in if Francesca launched herself at Simon's throat. If Jack were Simon, he'd sleep with one eye open tonight.

"Step away from your crates," said Eugene. "So first off, Francesca, what do you have for us?"

"I've made French Toast with Spam in it and topped it off with some of the tinned peaches," Francesca said. Not the most creative, but it would be edible, Jack allowed. And certainly, if it were a choice between French Toast and tactical bacon, Jack would crown French Toast the winner every time. He offered Eugene the fork first -- he was the food journo, after all. It was passable food, definitely, but they moved on to less safe dishes.

"Jody?"

"I've made a soup -- it was originally tomato, but I tried to make it more interesting with some herbs and add some...texture with the tinned corn. I'm sorry." Jody grimaced slightly, and Jack didn't understand why until he had some. Tinned corn was definitely not a texture he ever wanted to feel again. 

And then there was Simon, who was whistling "Land Down Under" as he waited.

"I present pickled asparagus sprinkled with tactical bacon and embellished with various herbs and stuff that I stole from Francesca," he said with a flourish and a bow. "I call it, 'Bacon From a Can Down Under'."

Eugene raised one eyebrow. It didn't sound promising. Taking the smallest portion he could on the fork, he put it in his mouth, looking as if he wished he were doing anything else. He frowned, leaning on his crutch, and went back for a second mouthful. What the hell?

"It's...it's actually really good," he said, puzzled. He gave the fork to Jack, and Jack thought it was some sort of prank. He had to suffer through it because Eugene had to suffer, that sort of thing. But then he took a bite and -- well.

"I think we have a winner," Jack said, grinning. Who knew tactical bacon could actually be edible, let alone delicious?

"This is unfair!" said Francesca, furious. "You're just saying that because -- because he is your friend! How can anything made with tinned bacon be better than mine?"

"Have a taste yourself, Francesca," Eugene said, offering her the fork. She swiped it, stabbing at the dish and tasting it. She tried to frown more, but it just turned more into puzzlement than anger.

"How did you make it taste so good? Could I-- could I have the recipe?" she asked, although it clearly pained her to ask Simon for anything.

"Sure, though I'm not sure where you'd get more of that tactical bacon. Good stuff, you can't even burn it. It's Simon-proof," he said, grinning. 

"There must be some more somewhere," she said, taking another bite. "It really is quite...quite good. Have you considered becoming a cook? No, no, ignore that," she said, thinking better of it. Jack thought that she would probably run him through with a bread knife on the first day anyway.

Jack cleared his throat. "Mr Simon Lauchlan, Runner Three, I hereby pronounce you the winner of Abel Township Masterchef for this year! Although we don't have a trophy for you, we do have...this packet of marshmallows. Don't eat them all at once!"

Simon did a victory lap around the entire township, singing "Bacon Down Under" the entire time.


End file.
